Hey, I Got a Couple Questions For Ya.......

I chose to skip Saturdays monthly gathering for yet another round of Thornfest 2007 at the Boulder Res. Crap people, just exactly how many races are we going to run at that place? Instead, a couple of us went and pre-rode Sunday’s course at Bear Creek Lake State park. The Red Rocks Velo guys had put together another good one. It had all the bases covered. There was pavement and gravel road sections to keep the power guys happy and yet enough single track to keep up the pucker factor on all the roadies and put a smile on the face of all the baggie pants types. The RRV boys were even so damn kind as to run the course over a tree covered section of single track along a creek bed that was sure to remain blanketed with snow and ice throughout the day. That then lead into another section of single track that had sun on it and was sure to start melting about race time on Sunday. Add in a couple of trips though a sand pit and a nice double barrier at the bottom of a long hill forcing a run-up…. And you got yourself a cross course.

The plan for Sunday called for meeting Rich at KBC around 8am. At 8:20, I am on my second cup of pre-race coffee when the phone cell goes off. It is Rich calling to tell me that he has bruised his pussy hurt his back. Evidently, some 7 year old in their group decided that Rich needed a good crack-back block at the Parade of Lights on Saturday night. The Summary is, Rich is out and I am on my own. So I enjoy a 3^rd cup and then head out for the hour plus ride over to the course.

I show up in time to join the rest of the “beer drinking dads” for the launch of the 35+ Cat 4s. My start is mediocre at best. I can sure tell that I spent the week on company travel down to Phoenix, AZ sitting in meetings for 3 days. About the halfway point in the race, I start feeling better and am able to move up some spots so that I am at least in a position to earn come points. ........ And then, the triple whammy hit.....


Note to the reader. You will enjoy and understand this next section best if you are familiar with the terms used to describe my cyclocross racing. Those terms are defined in my first blog post back in Sept. Feel free to give that a read and then come back. How’s that for a shameless plug?

Question #1 – I know that everyone says that bad things come in 3’s… and that is just a saying… but why the hell does it have to be so damn true?

1) We are coming out of the creek bottom single-track, over the double barrier and on the run-up. In an effort to gap a couple guys, I go hard on the run to the top. On the re-mount I get a visit from my old friend, The Flying Bike Punt..... and I pull a spectacular one. No such thing as a soft landing on this bad boy. This is a full-on heap with my steed landing sideways on the gravel road and me right on top of it. I try to untangle and hop right back up in order to maintain my position, but the damage is done. I have to stop, straighten the handlebars, and the spring on the front left brake has popped out. 6 to 8 spots go by as I channel Gny Sgt Hartman and “encourage” myself while I am trying to re-set a brake spring with gloved fingers.

Off and going again, I start up the mantra of “stay calm, keep aggressive, and go get those places back." A lap later, the rear tire starts to bottom out on a much too consistent basis. Perhaps cutting corners thru the weeds on this course is not the smartest thing to be doing. But, knowing that I am running some Stan’s in that tube, I figured I can get it to last the couple more laps till the end of the race.

2) Coming back thru the frozen tundra single track late in the race, I come up on a rider that has dumped it and is just getting back on course. Judging from the fact that he has snow all over him, it must of have been a good one. He is still shaking out the cobwebs when I catch him and takes it easy thru the rest of the snow/ice. I figure that since we gotta be racing for something like 35th place, there is no reason to be an ass and force a pass on the single track. As long as I don’t try and castrate myself again on the re-mount, I should be able to get around him on the run-up. We start to ramp it back up on the 2^nd half of the single track. I notice this time thru that the course is indeed starting to melt in this section like I thought it would when I pre-rode it on Saturday. Heading through a gentle left hander….BAM!!! The front wheel washes and I am down quicker than Larry Craig’s pants in the Minneapolis airport. Damn, I never saw that one coming. The front brake spring is off again and I lose several more spots getting it back on.

Off and rolling again, I got through the finish and thankfully the course ref shows me one to go. The rear is bottoming out still but has stabilized so I figure that I will just take it easy and finish this nightmare off without a DNF. I am getting sensations in my left knee that we are in for the 4th round of cleaning. This time I did not grind mud and/or dirt into it so it will be an easy job.

We are descending down a gravel road and into a sharp right-hander when the front washes again and I hit the deck for the third time. You know that medium high pitched crunching sound you get in your head when you helmet hits gravel? Yeah… I got that. I let out a stream of cussing that makes Chesty Puller blush… and he is dead. My wife is watching from several hundred feet away and can tell even at that distance that I have lost my patience with my inability to ride a bike today. Ya see folks, here is the deal. I am a expert left side crasher. Hell, I am a such a fricken expert at crashing to the left side that I can and do in any situation and repeatedly take the exact same chunk of meat out of my left knee each time I do it. I DO NOT CRASH TO THE RIGHT SIDE! PERIOD! Thus, I am a bit disenchanted with this latest event. Anyways…. It must have been a good one because the rider behind me almost comes to a complete stop and asks if I am OK. One look and he knows that I will live. Oh… and just in case you are wondering…. Yes, the left front brake spring has popped out again. Several more of my racing buddies pass as I am getting it back in place. I was out there long enought that I half expected someone to ride by and ask "Ya got everything you need?"

Up and going again I roll easily along and shortly, I feel the front tire bottoming out. The good news is that suddenly my dim light starts to shine about the front wheel washouts. The bad news is that I got half a lap to go and I am nursing a low rear and a near flat front. The front tube has True Goo in it and for those with any questions on Rich’s post, my field test confirms that the goo is not doing it's best. It is however, working just enough to keep me from running on the rim so in a effort to ward off a DNF, I start nursing things along.

The final trip thru the glacial paradise of the creek bottom single track is a true comedy. I can hear a rider come up behind me so I let them know that I am nursing two near flats and that he can come by at any time that he so desires. He declines…..he is in no rush. This is a guy after my heart. The best seat in the house for true comedy has gotta be right behind my lard-ass while I am trying to ride ultra-low pressure through a ice/snow/mud covered single track. I do several severe bobbles in 30 yards of JRA and he quickly figures out that as fun as this is, I am sure to take him down with me. At the first opportunity, he is around and gone. Several other guys follow suit before I can get to the end of the race.

Post race, I get confirmation of my crashing excellence. Earlier I got a rider to nearly stop mid race in order to inquire as to my condition. Now, I get no less that three gentlemen to come up to me after the race and exclaim “Holy shit dude, are you OK? You really hit the deck hard out there!!!" My reply…..”Ah.....Which time?"

Off to home to scrub out the left knee, hit it with Bactine, and perform the Bactine dance again. For those not in the know, the Bactine dance is where you spay an open wound with Bactine (or any other wound cleanser….. trust me, I have tried them all) and wait for the stinging to start. Then you spend the next 30 seconds dancing around waving your arms chanting “Ooowwweee, ooowwweee, ooowwweee” over and over.

This brings me to –

Question #2) If nerves fire nearly instantaneously, why is there a 7 second delay between the spraying of Bactine into an open wound and the onset of mind-numbing stinging that follows? Try it some time yourself. There is a dead-nuts-on 7 second delay. By the way.....I just love the claim on their website….. Plus, unlike hydrogen peroxide, it does not sting. A more misleading claim has never been posted.

Next week is the state championships and the last race of the season. Perhaps some dismount and re-mount drills are in order. Or, perhaps I should just visualize not crashing. I put together a string of three races this season where I stayed upright so I know I can do it.

Assuming I live through next week's race, I will have completed my first season and met my main goal which was to live to talk/blog about it. So, for next season, I need to set some new goals. They say you should always focus on your strengths and well…. we all know mine.

So….maybe I should just visualize cooler crashes. I never do the cool stuff like the good guys do. I never “roll a tublar” just because I am going so damn fast. Probably because I race clinchers but lets not kill the buzz here. I also seem to come up short on the whole “I was flying along putting the power down when I tore the rear dérailleur off my bike” thing. These will definitely be some things to ponder while I am out on the fixie next spring.

b.