Cap'n Slow's Interview with Matt Klick

Dramatization. May not have happened.

By now you know that I ride cyclocross for the Frites en Mayo Velo Club.  Frites is a bunch of good guys that start the season slowly and work their way into race shape even more slowly.  That is, with the exception of Matt Klick.


Matt Klick is not your typical Frites rider.  I had the chance to interview Matt and find out what makes Klick click.

Cap'n:  So, Matt...how are you.
Matt:  Good.  Thanks for asking.  Are these questions gonna get any harder?


Cap'n:  No.  I like to keep things soft, like my abs.
Matt:  Yeah, you could lose a few pounds.
Cap'n:  Good one Matt!  Let's get to the stuff everyone wants to know.
Matt:  Ok.  But I have to be at the gym in 26 minutes.


Cap'n:  Matt, why do you enjoy 'cross racing?

Matt:  Well, as a kid growing up in the projects

I used to run with a pretty tough gang.  We'd go out on my family's luxury yacht and cruise the Mediteranean taunting the other yacht owners whose 10 million dollar vessels were a paltry facsimile of ours.  After a while it got pretty boring.  So, one day I went all ghetto, thru on some gangsta rap

stole a bicycle.  I didn't have any lycra of my own so I stole my dad's spandex nighty, and went out.  I was dodging cars, riding thru the neighbor's yard, thru the sand on the coast...it was total heaven!  I dropped my seafaring gangsta ways and dedicated myself to this wonderful event I had found.

Cap'n:  Excellent, Matt.  Now, when did you enter your first official 'cross race?

Matt:  Don't recall.  But I'm pretty sure I finished in the top 10.
Cap'n:  So you've always gotten good results in your races?
Matt:  Yeah, usually.  But I get better results after the races if you know what I mean!

Cap'n:  I don't follow...
Matt:  No, I don't guess you would.


Cap'n:  Matt, can you tell me a bit about your diet?
Matt:  Well, luckily I'm blessed with a high metabolism and I fidget a lot so I can eat just about anything I want.  My pre-race meal usually consists of a 12 pack of Krispy-Kremes, a pint of whiskey, four raw eggs, and the beating heart of a giant panda.

Cap'n:  Mmm...sounds tasty!  How do you cook the panda heart?
Matt:  I like them beer battered and then deep fried in manatee fat.  Crispy on the outside and tender on the inside.  Add a little malt vinegar and man, its delicious.  I'll send you the recipe.


Cap'n:  What about your training regimen, Matt?  What is a typical day for you?
Matt:  I train approximately 27 hours a day.  I'm able to do this because of the time machine

I built in my garage.  I can train for 3 hours, jump in the time machine, get a 3 hour nap, and be well rested and fit and the day has just begun.  I'd recommend a time machine to everyone.
Cap'n:  What if all you have is a calculator that's missing the number '6'?
Matt:  Stick to the 35+IV category.


Cap'n:  How intensely do you train?
Matt:  I don't know how you'd quantify it, but when I do intervals, this happens:

Cap'n:  Wow!  I've never know anyone to cause geological distortions just by training!
Matt:  Thank you!  My wife sometimes gets upset that there's a massive tectonic fissure in our backyard but she's a good gal and very understanding.  Plus, the lava flow now seems to be heading toward our neighbor who leaves his barking dog out all night.


Cap'n:  Finally, Matt, what riders do you follow?
Matt:  Well, I don't really follow too many riders.  Most of them follow me.
Cap'n:  HA!  I get it!  Because you're so fast!  You're awesome, Matt!  Yeah!
Matt:  Ya know...we really gotta get you a girlfriend.
Cap'n:  Don't remind me.  Anyway...Matt some people say you are actually 'cross racer Tim Johnson.  I have here some photo evidence to support that claim.
Matt:  This interview is over. You are about to enter a world of pain.