Cap'n Slow's Offseason Advice

Well, here we are in January.

Aside from the bitter cold and the icy roads and trails, what makes winter suck most of all is the amount of time spent eating.  Sure, I love to eat but my GOD!  Do I really need to eat like this:

I just cant stop eating!  I want food!  FOOD!  NOW!  And when I'm done, its not because I'm full.  Its because I've run out of food (or money).

Overeating is the most dangerous part of winter, aside from snow and ice falling from roofs, avalanches, and running out of beer.  Because of overeating, when the warm temperatures arrive, we're about 20 pounds too heavy with arteries clogged by hamburgers and frites.  Sometimes clogged by entire hamburgers that we injected directly into our bloodstream like EPO on a bun.  Not that I've ever done that.  EPO that is.

So I'm going to offer some advice.  Advice about eating.  Read the questions and give your best answers.  And if the local all-you-can-eat chinese buffet doesn't have a wi-fi connection, answer the questions later, fatty.

Q:  How many calories are needed to burn 1 pound of fat?

1)  3500

2)  what's a calorie?

3)  why burn the fat when you can eat it?

Q:  For a person who weighs about 180 pounds, how many calories are needed to sustain weight?

1)  12,000

2)  3.14159

3)  A large pepperoni pizza should suffice.

4)  about 2000

Q:  Masturbating is a good way to burn calories (http://www.c4vct.com/kym/humor/csex.htm)

1)  True

2)  False

Q:  Cyclocross is a 45 minute intense effort.  How many calories can you expect to consume POST race?

1)  More than I burned in 45 minutes, that's for sure.

2)  Considerably more than I burned in 45 minutes.

3)  I don't care.  I'll just whack-off the calories, if you know what I mean.

Q:  Which makes a good pre-ride meal?

1)  A hamburger and frites 20 minutes before the ride.

2)  A football sized burrito, aluminum foil and all.

3)  Oatmeal, water, and two gel packs.

4)  Two Snicker's bars deep fried in beef fat.

Q:  Eating well is a requirement for a healthy life.

1)  Shut up, hippie.

2)  Yeah. Shut up, hippie.

3)  True

So many questions to answer.  And now it's time for lunch.