Cap'n Slow's Rules of Etiquette: helping others

Why am I so indifferent to the needs of other cyclists?  Because 'cross season is over and road season is ramping up like the HTC-Columbia lead out train.  And, to fit in with road season, a person needs to think and act like a roadie.  That means treating others with indifference and disdain.

Take the all too frequent case of the broken down cyclist on the side of the road when the wind is blowing and its dark and 28 degrees outside.  We see this every day.  And how many times do we stop to help?  If you're like me, you speed up, ask if they need some help and then sprint like Mario Cippolini chasing a podium girl to get out of earshot of their needful reply.  Is this acceptable behavior?  Not really.  I mean, I try to convince myself that the slob on the 40 pound hybird-comfort bike is just as important to the cycling community as I am, but he isn't.  If he were important, he wouldn't have panniers the size of Samsonites and would be riding Speedplays.

But then I think about that Beatles song.  You know the one about eggmen and walruseses.  And because I don't understand what the hell they're singing about, I think about the other Beatles song where Mick Jagger sings "I get by with a little help from my friends."  Truer words were never spoken unless you consider John Melon Cougar Camp's grammatically challenged "I cannot forget from where it is I come from."  Pure genius.

Helping others is a way of life.  We all want to help others.  But do we help them?  Sometimes.  But "I get by with occasional help from people I don't know" is a little difficult to sing in 4/4 time.  Hence there haven't been too many songs written about helping strangers.  But that doesn't mean we should mock strangers in need or shove them into oncoming traffic.  No, we should at least consider helping them.  And if there is some act of kindness we can perform to help, then we should do so.

So here are some rules of etiquette that we should all endeavor to follow.  Please answer carefully as some of these are tricky to figure out during road season.

Q1:  When you see a cyclist on the side of the road you should:
a)  ask "Need any help?"
b)  ask "Do you have any Gray Poupon?"
c)  stop, make a lightning fast repair for them, and push them into oncoming traffic.

Q2:  When a cyclist is obviously having trouble with a tire change but denies needing any help, you should:
a)  stop and watch, making comments about how much faster YOU could change the tire.
b)  stop, give the cyclist a big hug, and tell him he's still a winner to you.
c)  tell him to Live Strong because that's what Lance does.
d)  tell him to eat another pizza and drink a few beers because that's what Cap'n Slow does.

Q3:  If a cyclist becomes angry with your offer of assistance, you should:
a)  turn the other cheek
b)  launch a snot rocket at him
c)  tell him his attitude is more becoming of a recumbent rider
d)  console yourself by repeating "I'm a USA Cycling certified mechanic."

Q4:  After successfully helping a female cyclist, you should:
a)  ask for her phone number.
b)  tell her one good job deserves another...
c)  forget about having sex with her.  you're a cyclist.  that's all that matters.
d)  repeat the above statement until the pain of rejection goes away.