Cap'n Slow's Team Review: Nicknames

"Where hast thou gone, oh nickname?  Lo!  Where art thou "OilCan", and "Big Unit?  The "Great One", and "Joltin' Joe"? -- Bill Shakespear.

Yeah, the nickname is a thing that is fading from the peloton of the American sports scene faster than Rich Visscher at the 35 minute mark.  What can we do about it?  Give nicknames to everyone?  That would be foolish.  The nickname must carry some sort of "marque", a quality that separates the bearer from the rest of the group.  To simply give nicknames away like Clif bars at a criterium would do disservice to everyone.

So when do people acquire nicknames?  Usually when they are young.  I knew a guy who was REALLY big and loved hamburgers. Naturally we called him "Beef".  My brother is fondly known as "Foamy" for his keg stand prowess.  And before I was Cap'n Slow, I was know as "El Burro" during my baseball playing days.

But if you didn't acquire that nickname in childhood, how do you get one as an adult?  Usually thru your actions or inactions or possibly thru some sort of physical attribute you'd rather NOT draw attention to.  I went to college with a guy we called "Itchy" because he once had a bad rash in a sensitive area.  I've known a gal named "Fish" which is possibly the worst nickname possible for a girl (except maybe "Yeasty").  And my ex-wife has a nickname that, while applicable, cannot be written here.

Applying the nickname is pretty challenging.  You can't simply say to your friend: "Your nickname is..." and expect it to stick.  No, a nickname has to be spontaneous yet defining of the person.  A good nickname can last a lifetime.  But a bad nickname can also last a lifetime.  Be careful with your nickname lest you always be known as "Vanilla Ice" or 

Now I noticed a decided lack of nicknames on our team last year.  There are only two:  Cap'n Slow and Dash Riprock.  In fact, I didn't know Dash's REAL name (its Fausto Coppi) until halfway thru the year.  I think Tigger In Chains is more of a pen name than a nickname.  Matt Klick?  No nickname.  Rich Visscher?  No nickname.  Tom Hall?  Well, he occasionally goes by "Big Tom Hall" but not often enough.  

So what do we do about this?  We do what we always do:  get together, drink, and make fun of each other.  A nickname is bound to come from that.  Something good.  Something like Scotty "Buzzsaw" Bates!  "Buzzsaw" got his name at a party the other night which is usually the best place for assigning nicknames that stick.  Given his attire and the amount of alcohol we had consumed, one thing lead to another and Scott Bates left the party as "Buzzsaw".  

OK!  More parties more nicknames!  No bad nicknames ever happen when you're drinking.  Except that time a college friend got wasted, and fondled a long haired biker dude he mistook for a chick.  I'll never forget "Reach Around" Rob.  Yeah...that one stuck, too.  

I think they're still together.