Workin' the pits

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! CRITERIUM IN GOLDEN! BE THERE AND WIN A HALF-EATEN CLIF BAR! RACE YOUR ASS OFF FOR A T-SHIRT! NEARLY GET RUN OVER BY A MAN THAT NEEDS TO SWITCH TO DECAF! GET YELLED AT BY ANGRY AUSTRAILIANS THAT DON'T KNOW THE RULES! DON'T MISS IT!

So there I was in the wheel pit with new guy Ruffin "The Ruffian" Kan. If you don't know Ruffin, take the time. He's hilarious.

The races were typical. Lots of slow pace riding for the first half, then mayhem for the second half. We changed some wheels, adjusted brakes, and watched intently as the women rode by. The last race was the men's pro-1-2 race and given that there was only $500 dollars on the line, big names were not there. That's right: $500 dollars.  And that $500 was spread out over the top 5 finishers.  Lame.

Just a short aside here. I don't know how much money it takes to pull off a criterium. It could cost a small fortune, I don't know. But I'm assuming even the pricey crits don't cost the promoters more than a couple thousand to pull off a grand, memorable event. So why then was total, TOTAL, payout only $900 dollars? Yeah, you read that correctly: All the money, across all the races, totaled $900. There were 359 paying riders (juniors raced for free). You tell me where the money went.

Anyway, at one point some fat bastard in a Land Cruiser came driving across the course.  Yep, just drove right across the course with the race going on.  He pulled in dangerously close to the wheels in the wheel pit, nearly cracked The Ruffian, and demanded to see our permit for this race.  I told him to get off the course and see the promoter.  Well, angry Land Cruiser guy chewed out the promoter for about 20 minutes about the major inconvenience of having to wait 30 seconds to cross the road.  That of course made for great humor for the rest of the day until the wheel change of doom during the mens pro-1-2 race...

The wheel pit was AFTER start finish (which I hate).  One kid came across in the pack and flatted about 100 meters after the pit.  He rode backward on the course (yes, RODE) and came to the pit.  The Ruffian and I changed his wheel but by the time the change was done, the pack was on him.  We got him back in about 25-50 meters off the back of the pack.  With a HUGE push, I ran him down the course and he was mid pack on the next lap.  No harm done.

But, the kid's dad thought otherwise.  He took the time to explain to me how his son should have gotten an additional lap and now he's got to chase back on, and waaaaaaahhhh.  I told him that because of the pit location, if I gave his kid another lap, he'd be a lap down.  Well, understand this:  there is no reasoning with a know-it-all, angry, Aussie.  Finally he gave up trying to explain his superior criterium knowledge to such a dumbass like me.  He spent the rest of the race staring at me and I spent the rest of the race thinking "This shit isn't worth $75 dollars."

For cryin' out loud...even the EMT was awful.  She literally stayed in her car the entire day.  No shit.  And the one incident she had, where Carlos crashed, broke his bike into small pieces, and was lying in the road motionless, she drove her car all the way around the course instead of driving the 100 meters backward on the course to get to him.  "I got in trouble for driving backward on the course one time" she told me as I showed her where Carlos was.  Note to all promoters:  Find out this EMT's name and never never never hire her.  Get Ryan instead.

But, like my grandmother always said:  If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.  So I won't say anything.  Terrible race.  Sorry, grammy.