Now, I like to be generic. I was gonna just review things on two wheels but in an effort to give my loyal reader some valuable information, today I am reviewing a Serotta bicycle. And not just any bicycle, mind you. Today I am reviewing none other than Serotta Pete's bike.
Not everyone knows Serotta Pete. And you'll just have to learn about him on your own. I'm not reviewing him.
Serotta Pete's bike is an Ottrott, which is Eskimo for "Otter Rot", which is slang for "Festering Beaver". No idea why they named the bike after my favorite punk band. The Ottrott is a bike made of titanium, a spendy material, and when you add a Serotta label to it, the price is astronomical. Serotta Pete claims to have received a good deal on the bike as well as a $5.00 gift card at Hot Topic which he used to buy a t-shirt with that smiling bunny that says rude things and a bag of Pop-Rocks. Nice!
Serotta Pete's bike is bedecked in all the latest fashions and trends like a seat, handlbars, brakes, pedals, and round wheels. Obviously, Serotta Pete spared no expense on this ride. He even has one of them fancy-schmancy bicycle computers on the handlebars apparently for downloading illegal MP3s of Festering Beaver. The crowning jewel of his bike has to be the saddle which is beautifully sculpted to hold fast to Serotta Pete's rock hard buttocks. Mmmm....
But, even the aesthetic grandeur of Serotta Pete's bike falls short in comparison to its durability. In a test during Ride The Rockies, Serotta Pete's festering beaver, err..., Ottrott was able to withstand the force of a fully loaded, "F*ck Mother Earth", Ford Excursion. In a staggering display of titanium toughness, the Ottrott was unscathed after being subjected to the tonnage of the Ford Excursion's right side rear wheel. Surprisingly, the Excursion was also unharmed. I half expected it to crumble into dust.
The test was conducted one morning in a hotel parking lot with only one cougar lurking around. Serotta Pete cleverly positioned his bike next to the aforementioned earth jihad mobile and declared the nearby field to be his personal port-a-john. Ten minutes later, the test began and ended quickly with the sound of crunching metal. A quick examination of the bike showed a damaged wheel and some damaged chainrings but no scratches or harm of any kind to the frame. Yeah, boy! Serotta Pete's bike survived the assault and lived on in glorious glory. Ten minutes in the truing stand and his wheel was as good as new. The chainrings, had they been made by Serotta, would have been fine but alas, they are gonna have to be wind chimes.
Serotta Pete however, did not do as well in the toughness test as seen here:
Errata: The tested bike was actually a Legend. Just like Pete.
ReplyDelete