A Haiku how-to

Back in the days when he was relevant, those who liked what Howard Stern had to say listened for 20 minutes a day. Those who hated what he had to say listened for 2 hours a day. Sometimes I take that angle when writing for this blog. You can draw greater attention to your art by pushing the envelope, crossing the line, and a whole host of other platitudes. Some people will be entertained, some will be outrraged. But I think Abe Lincoln said it best when asked what he thought about those who disliked his Gettysburg address: "You can't please all the people all the time. Someone get me a beer."

I assume you read what I write because you wish to be entertained. I try to entertain every time I write something and, for entertainment purposes, I occasionally make an intentional excursion across the line to demonstrate a point or to elicit a response. Take for instance my post about Chris Horner or the one about Taylor Phinney and those that think he's God. Those are two particularly caustic articles written as such to make people laugh, make them uncomfortable, and to make them think. To dismiss all my writing as "bitter and cynical" is total bullshit because just as often, I write positive articles such as the one about the Frites sponsors or the one about Mark Salmon's Big BMX adventure. I always try to balance the vitriol with wit, the artificial self-importance with humility. For the most part, everyone gets it and doesn't take it too seriously.

While it may be hard to believe, my opinions are sometimes met with resistance and on occasion have caused civil unrest in the most peaceful of Tibetan communities. Because of that, I have been given the option of 1) toning things down, or 2) not writing at all. Naturally, I find both ideas offensive but, had the choices been presented to me in haiku form, I would have found them as calming and relaxing as rubbing one out before bed time.

The haiku is a form of writing that expresses thoughts and perceptions in 3 lines of the form 5, 7, 5 syllables. In general the haiku is used to convey images of nature, of peace, of love, rainbows and unicorns, and other good happiness stuff. Because of this, the haiku is considered to be the least offensive of writing styles.

Take for instance my opinion of a 30 minute race involving 8 year olds. I can state those thoughts in many ways and, while they are just my opinions, those opinions might offend someone. BUT! using the power of haiku, I can say the following without offense:

8 year old cyclists

don't fascinate or excite.

I nod off at once.

I also find women's cycling to be uninteresting except for the sight of all those beautiful, fit women riding around wearing tight clothes. There's no way to read any sort of sexism into the following because it is a haiku:

Girls on bicycles

are slow but they make me hot.

I fap in a sock.

My post about Chuck Coyle got some attention and even though the response was largely positive, there were some who thought I went too far. Don't like my opinion on Chuck's transgressions? I could simply tell you to get bent but that would be offensive. Given the power of haiku, I can say the same thing and the reader feels warm and safe:

Dopers in cycling

give the Cap'n a target.

He detests them all.

Good thing there's a haiku around when you need it!

Next time: how the use of limericks can help timid writers improve their offensiveness and an entire rant about the ACA timing chips written in iambic pentameter.

As always, thanks for reading.