Cap'n Slow's Big Fat Ass

"Oh my god!  Just look at his butt!"

Yeah, fine.  I've gotten fat.  I attribute the fatness to many things:  the government, society, George Bush, and the sad plight of the manatee, nature's most tasty aquatic mammal, and the animal I more closely resemble everyday.

And while I have gained fatness, I have lost fitness.  Yesterday as I commuted about 15 miles from my place of employment to the park-n-ride and I struggled to keep up with a hot chick with a beautiful tan.  Not even the thoughts of the two of us locked in sweaty, manatee lovemaking was enough to overcome the ever increasing gap she threw down on me.

And then it hit me like a 1/2 pound burger with large fries:  While I'm not too heavy as far as manatees go, I'm quite too large as far as cyclists go.  I slowly pulled into the park-n-ride, watched my manatee mistress disappear into the sunset, and got in the car.  As I drove back home, I pondered just how much weight I need to lose.  7 pounds?  10 pounds?  I resolved to stand on the scales for the first time in about a year to see how I have increased in mass.  "Tomorrow morning!"  I declared. 

So this morning I got on the scales.  The strain gauge strained, and finally rendered it's verdict:  "One at a time, please."  Very funny.

As an aside, I will remind myself and everyone else that my racing weigh last year for 'cross was 156lbs.  That was when I could ride about 100-120 miles a week while commuting to work.  That job doesn't exist anymore so my ride time has come down.  Further, I have been as light as 148lbs but that was when I worked for REI and had plenty of time to ride and not enough money to buy food.  Now, the opposite is true.  My goal for 'cross racing this year was to weigh in about 153 pounds.  Remember that number:  153lbs.

When the scales finally stopped spinning the final number was humiliating:  168lbs.  Yep...15 pounds above what I was hoping to weigh.  Fifteen pounds.  6.8kg.  The minimum legal weight for a bicycle in a UCI race.  Just over 1 stone.

The reality of the situation hit my like an outboard motor hits a manatee.  I'm in trouble.  With 'cross season starting in mid September, that gives me around 8 weeks to lose 15 pounds.  Can it be done?  Does the Cap'n have the resolve and the willpower to drop 2 pounds a week?  Just how much salad can a man eat in 8 weeks?  Does the manatee have it right:  be fat and slow and the world will love you?  So many questions and so little time.  Eight weeks is not that long and losing that much weight over that short a period of time sounds too much like work.

Gotta go...lunch time and there's a salad with my name on it.  Yippee.