Outrage #3

The big stories today are about dopers. You know, I'm really tired of this. Its time for the implementation of lifetime bans for first offense.

Before today, I was not in favor of lifetime bans because of the potential for false positives. But you know what? I haven't seen a false positive. All I've seen are a bunch of skinny guys lying their collective asses off whenever they get busted. Where's the vanishing twin? Oh right...Hamilton ate that one. Where's the tainted meat? For fuck's sake, Alberto claimed the COW was doped! These guys are better liars than they are cyclists.

And where is the outrage from the other riders? Why is it the clean riders are not livid with the dopers? Why are the clean guys not junk-punching dopers at the call up? If I ran a team, they would be clean and top on their list of things to do would be to beat the shit out of the dopers in the peloton. I'd employ the cycling equivalent of Bob Probert or Stu 'The Grim Reaper" Grimson. Yeah, my enforcer would get dropped once the race started but he'd drop a bunch of skinny dopers first. Transfusion? You're gonna need one when Rich "Vicious" Visscher throws down on your sorry ass. EPO? That stands for Extensive Pain Overload. You'll be getting some of that at the first cobble section, doper.

Yes, its time to stop showing any love at all for dopers. Lifetime bans for first offense and savage beatings for the ones the peloton knows are dirty but haven't yet been caught. Let's get it on! The Thrilla in Manilla! The Fistfights in the Dolomites! The Melee at Paris Roubaix! Hostilities in the Pyrenees! The top fighter's jersey? Blood red with the names of the conquered written on the back with a black Sharpie.

Its time to get serious about doping and riders who don't give a shit about the sport. Want cycling cleaned up? Do it my way. Or Bernard Hinault will kick you in the Badger.