This week in astrology...
Aquarius: Don't go outside. Just don't, OK? Seriously.
Pisces: This is a great week for you! You are invincible. Remember that when you are getting mugged on Thursday.
Aries: Same as always: no nookie this week.
Taurus: Shut up. Nobody wants to hear what you have to say you self-absorbed, raving narcissist. Bitch.
Gemini: This is your week to do something great. I suggest you cure world hunger.
Cancer: I'm so sorry.
Leo: You will see things you've never seen before: your toes.
Virgo: Be assured that the person you meet on Colfax is NOT your soul mate no matter the price.
Libra: This is your best week ever! Your spirit will awaken and find peace. Oh wait...sorry...that was for Scorpio. My bad. This week you'd better get yourself a bottle of whiskey. You're gonna need it.
Scorpio: This is your best week ever! Your spirit will awaken and find peace.
Sagittarius: Join the military. You have never done anything good for anybody and its about time you started.
Capricorn: On Tuesday, don't give any money to the man wearing a yellow jumpsuit.
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