Cap'n Slow's Horoscope of Astral Mysticism

Whoa.  The Cap'n went to bed last night and as he was falling asleep, he had a vision.  A vision of a hamburger covered in onions and hot peppers.  That vision turned into reality and after eating such a culinary masterpiece the Cap'n went back to bed and dreamed his dreamy dreams of the future.  All with an acid-reflux overtone.  In a flash, the Cap'n was transported to a place where visions of the future are reality and reality is a big purple giraffe named Basil.  Basil spoke thusly:

Aquarius:  This is a good week to start shooting heroin.
Pisces:  Yeah baby!  I like it when you do that!  Mmmm...that's the spot...
Aries:  Quit your whining.  You're supposed to be the God of War, not the Princess of FairyTown.
Taurus:  A cape and a mullet is NOT a good look unless you also wear rubber boots and a thong.
Gemini:  The man in the trenchcoat does not have an actual chihuahua for you to pet.
Cancer:  Your great idea has already been patented.
Leo:  Just because you gave her $50 bucks does not make her your girlfriend.
Virgo:  "Contents may be hot" is not a good thing to have written on your underwear.
Libra:  Your river of mysticism flows swiftly thru your valley of peace.
Scorpio:  Avoid confrontations.  You fight like a sissy.
Sagittarius:  Two words:  nose job.
Capricorn:  I know it itches but really, the Dr. says its not contagious.